please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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