Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
