I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
