I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
