do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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