He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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