We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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