I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
