I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
