i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
