I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
