if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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