I need to stop coming to work sober
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
