The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
