New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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