By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
