apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
