When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
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She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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