i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
