I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
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I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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