I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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