thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
