She is in my trunk
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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