Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
