she woke up with a sticky ear
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
