I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
