Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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