I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
