i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We were destined to go to rehab together
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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