Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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