I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
