If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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