we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
