I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
