Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have already put on my inside pants.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
