I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
