I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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