I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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