my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
