People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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