is your mom at the bar?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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