Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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