I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
