For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
