It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
