"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He literally asked permission to hit on me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
