no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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