My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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