shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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