if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
