Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
