I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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