I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
