This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
